Tuesday 21 January 2014

Have Faith

As I walked along with the birds tweeting away in the trees this morning, I realised that my faith is building. 

Believe it or not, I've lived a life without it. I didn’t know about hope -  or trust - that things could work out. Though they often have, I have always felt a sense of negativity. That my destiny is 'failure'. It’s been sometimes a background quiet knowing, at others a full blown ‘there’s no point to my life’ depression. 


© Maggie Sawkins All rights reserved
My art work on Etsy
I'm counselled, workshopped and therap-ed enough to know that my existence (life) has been based on and driven by shame. I won't go into the why's and wherefore's here, but it's helpful enough to know this.  Shame was picked up as a frightened child and then compounded throughout college choices, work and grew into the shame of the invisible person who doesn't know who she is. 

Driven to spend all my time trying to be someone or do the things (the only things) I thought I should do. Living to some internalised expectations. Should Have Already Mastered Everything. 

Along this process of recovery (coming back to myself or discovering afresh,) I've been finding out who I am. Along the way I’ve had a couple of years of living hand-to-mouth and finding that in fact, it did all work out if I only focussed on the day I’m in. What else can we do? I found that my 'poverty' (by western standards - luxurious living by many others) did not define me. 

I've became less attached to things and to needing new stuff. 
I have gradually felt the shame lifting. Paradoxically it seemed, as I wasn't doing a lot of things that money can bring. I found free things to do and focussed on people and things I enjoy. I've not gone into hibernation by a long stretch. As I mended my jeans once again last night, I felt abundantly creative & it was so satisfying. I felt the love of life as it is. They are a great make and I don’t want to throw them. 

This burden of ‘nothing I do will ever make any difference’ is lifting off me. I can sense that things are gradually more in line with who I am and the ways I wish to spend my time. After all, it's all we have.

So now I have this simpler life and no longer feel I must be on the racetrack in order to qualify. Thank you God-of-no-particular-denomination. Thank you Bill W. and fellows. Thank you Joshua Becker and all the minimalism bloggers out there. Thank you Clissold Park for all your simple beauty. 

The days have become more mine and the fear is gradually lifting. I'm sure it will pop back for a visit at some time soon but just for today, I trust.

When things crash and burn and we take it personally, it is so hard to come back. I think I have had a series of crashes and getting back on my feet. And I'm writing these words. No longer telling people 'I want to write about my art work' but not doing so. And here I am showing my work to you. The way to do a life that suits us is in our gift. HAVE FAITH x

11 comments:

  1. Hi Maggie, what a great post, thoughtful and complex. I really like your linking of shame and faith and find myself reflecting both on my own relationship with these issues and also with the wider social context where I think that shame is so rarely talked about, let alone addressed

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    1. Thanks Nigel… I agree and I value the work of Brené Brown who is bringing some mainstream attention to shame. I saw her speak at the RSA last year.

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  2. Thanks Maggie, so much of what you say resonates with my experience and I'll go out on a limb here and add to it - because I passionately want to raise awareness for this - I found the solution to my shame-filled consciousness in the knowledge that I have ADHD. There is so much information on line for anyone who wants to know if they have it, you can investigate by googling.

    This is a hideously debilitating disorder, with the greatest number of suicides amongst its members. This is because we reach maturity and look back on a life of unfulfilled dreams, unfulfilled potential and count our bank balance, seeing only failure after failure, when we know that we are capable, gifted and intelligent people.

    My shame was eradicated the moment I realised that I am not an abnormal or inadequate person, but a normal person struggling heroically with a dreadful handicap, one which neurotypical people have no concept of. So please, anyone who is reading this, please investigate the possibility that you have it. 80/90% of people in the rooms do. And if you have, don't feel ashamed any more. Feel proud. You've got this far, whilst blaming yourself for things you can't help because of the way your brain is wired. Now you can stop blaming yourself. Now you can soar.

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    1. Thanks Janice. Really interested to read and have heard others with this experience too. Stuff to think about x

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  3. thanks maggie.
    this very morning I was casting around for the 'should have already mastered everything' mnemonic and ta-dah, here it is again. your courage to live in the day and to keep it simple by following every thread of doing what you love looks like, is a continued inspiration. so good to see you writing about it here.

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  4. Lovely post, Maggie. Very inspiring. I relax just reading it. x

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  5. Lovely Maggie. Sending you love. Gemma X

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    1. Thanks Gem x Am really enjoying myself with this now… x

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  6. Great post Maggie, really relatable and inspiring x

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    1. Thanks Emma… I'm really enjoying this writing stuff x

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