Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Have Faith

As I walked along with the birds tweeting away in the trees this morning, I realised that my faith is building. 

Believe it or not, I've lived a life without it. I didn’t know about hope -  or trust - that things could work out. Though they often have, I have always felt a sense of negativity. That my destiny is 'failure'. It’s been sometimes a background quiet knowing, at others a full blown ‘there’s no point to my life’ depression. 

© Maggie Sawkins All rights reserved
My art work on Etsy
I'm counselled, workshopped and therap-ed enough to know that my existence (life) has been based on and driven by shame. I won't go into the why's and wherefore's here, but it's helpful enough to know this.  Shame was picked up as a frightened child and then compounded throughout college choices, work and grew into the shame of the invisible person who doesn't know who she is. 

Driven to spend all my time trying to be someone or do the things (the only things) I thought I should do. Living to some internalised expectations. Should Have Already Mastered Everything. 

Along this process of recovery (coming back to myself or discovering afresh,) I've been finding out who I am. Along the way I’ve had a couple of years of living hand-to-mouth and finding that in fact, it did all work out if I only focussed on the day I’m in. What else can we do? I found that my 'poverty' (by western standards - luxurious living by many others) did not define me. 

I've became less attached to things and to needing new stuff. 
I have gradually felt the shame lifting. Paradoxically it seemed, as I wasn't doing a lot of things that money can bring. I found free things to do and focussed on people and things I enjoy. I've not gone into hibernation by a long stretch. As I mended my jeans once again last night, I felt abundantly creative & it was so satisfying. I felt the love of life as it is. They are a great make and I don’t want to throw them. 

This burden of ‘nothing I do will ever make any difference’ is lifting off me. I can sense that things are gradually more in line with who I am and the ways I wish to spend my time. After all, it's all we have.

So now I have this simpler life and no longer feel I must be on the racetrack in order to qualify. Thank you God-of-no-particular-denomination. Thank you Bill W. and fellows. Thank you Joshua Becker and all the minimalism bloggers out there. Thank you Clissold Park for all your simple beauty. 

The days have become more mine and the fear is gradually lifting. I'm sure it will pop back for a visit at some time soon but just for today, I trust.

When things crash and burn and we take it personally, it is so hard to come back. I think I have had a series of crashes and getting back on my feet. And I'm writing these words. No longer telling people 'I want to write about my art work' but not doing so. And here I am showing my work to you. The way to do a life that suits us is in our gift. HAVE FAITH x